"Caring for a Loved One"
My mother-in-law, Beverly Frinkle, graduated from this world into Heaven JUNE 27, 2020, five years ago, today. Beverly was one of the Godliest women I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. For the last nine years of her life, she lived with Chris and me. She was still working in the cosmetic department at Macy's into her 80's. Not because she was eager to do so, but because the store felt they needed her. She was a strong lady, physically, mentally, and spiritually. In the last couple years of her life, there were noticeable signs of her failing.
Compared to what most people go through when caring for elderly loved ones, Beverly was pretty easy. Only in the last six months of her life did it become difficult. Her mind would recall things from years past, but remembering what happened five minutes before was hard. Chris experienced the reality of others when her Mom couldn't remember her daughter's name or even recognize who she was. So, in memory of Beverly Frinkle, I share something sent to me a few months back by an individual who watched a parent suffer from dementia. For all of you out there who care for a loved one in any capacity, please know prayers are offered up for you on a regular basis. If you are caring for one with dementia, or will in the future, the following tips may be helpful. Consider cutting and pasting this list as well as passing on to others.
- If I get dementia, I'd like my family to hang this wish list up on the wall where I live. I want them to remember these things.
- Every time you enter the room announce yourself. "Hi Mom - it's your name. NEVER ask - Do you know who I am??? This causes anxiety.
- If I get dementia, I want my friends and family to embrace my reality.
- If I think my spouse is still alive, or if I think we're visiting my parents for dinner, let me believe those things, I'll be much happier for it.
- If I get dementia, don't argue with me about what is true for me versus what is true for you.
- If I get dementia, and I am not sure who you are, do not take it personally. My timeline is confusing to me.
- If I get dementia, and can no longer use utensils, do not start feeding me. Instead, switch me to a finger-food diet, and see if I can feed myself.
- If I get dementia, and am sad or anxious, hold my hand and listen. Do not tell me my feelings are unfounded.
- If I get dementia, I don't want to be treated like a child. Talk to me like the adult that I am.
- If I get dementia, I still want to enjoy the things that I've always enjoyed. Help me find a way to exercise, read, and visit with friends.
- If I get dementia, ask me to tell you a story from my past.
- If I get dementia, and I become agitated, take time to figure out what is bothering me.
- If I get dementia, treat me the way you would want to be treated.
- If I get dementia, make sure that there are plenty of snacks for me in the house. Even now if I don't eat I get angry, and if I have dementia, I may have trouble explaining what I need.
- If I get dementia, don't talk about me as if I'm not in the room.
- If I get dementia, don't feel guilty if you cannot care for me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.It's not your fault, and you've done your best. Find someone who can help you, or choose a great new place for me to live.
- If I get dementia, and I live in a dementia care community, please visit me often.
- If I get dementia, don't act frustrated if I mix up names, events, or places. Take a deep breath. It's not my fault.
- If I get dementia, make sure I always have my favorite music playing within earshot.
- If I get dementia, and I like to pick up items and carry them around, help me return those items to their original place.
- If I get dementia, don't exclude me from parties and family gatherings.
- If I get dementia, know that I still like getting hugs and handshakes.
- If I get dementia, remember that I am still the person you know and love.
- PERHAPS THIS LIST COULD BE COPIED AND POSTED IN OR NEAR THE ROOM OF THE ONE SUFFERING FROM DEMENTIA. PASS THIS LIST TO OTHERS WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM IT.
Please accept these wonderful guidelines in HONOR of someone you know or knew who has dementia. In Honor of all those I know and love and lost who are fighting Dementia/Alzheimer's. By the way, my mother-in-law evidently began showing signs of dementia causing Chris to purchase a book called the "The 36 Hour Day" by Nancy Mace (Amazon $23). The book was purchased in 2019 and Mom passed June 27,th 2020. It was perhaps the best helpful tool we had as it informed us of what to expect in the next phase of Mom's life. We will never forget, while there were many things long forgotten, whenever a Christian song was played in her hearing, traditional or contemporary, she would sing with it never missing a word. God was faithful to her, and she was faithful to Him. May God bless all the precious people suffering from this disease and give strength and perseverance to the loving caregivers. You are all very special people the Lord is using "For such a time as this!"
Pastor Carnes
